Musings
by chris pwure
Summary: Seishirou's POV. a letter he never intended to send


Disclaimer: X ain't mine.  
  
Why is it when I want to scream I can't? Why is it that when I want to cry I can't? The feelings that are deep inside Are too much for me, too much for me to take.  
  
Weakness could not be tolerated. Weakness could not be shared. Pain could not be felt. What then is the meaning of life? A person's life is made of memories and feelings. Yet when even the most basic things are denied, then what is life? The only answer: meaningless.  
  
Everyone has hopes and dreams, some so secret that it would be frightening to voice them out loud. I only want to feel. I hide my feelings so much, too much. I was told that if I felt, if I showed my emotions, it would be game over for me. My opponent would have the upper hand.  
  
I listened. I learned. That was my mistake.  
  
The more I tried, the harder I failed. Purging the emotions and the feelings left the vulnerability clearer than crystal to me. Sure, hiding them was easy, but did my mother ever know that what you try to hide, the easier it would show? Emotions are my one real weakness and what may be my only downfall. Simply because I denied myself the pain, the joy... That everyone else except me felt.  
  
Isn't it strange? Conflicting. My whims and fancies change. Or better to say, my luck changed. I met you. And my destiny began afresh. I was no longer just the Sakurazukamori, I was someone new. But yet, years of shrinking away, years of running away from the word "feel", I lost you. I lost myself. I lost myself in the illusion of trying not to feel. Who wants to wait forever when the future's so uncertain? Certainly not you.  
  
I can't blame anyone but myself. And I'm doing exactly just that by burying myself in self pity and self reproach. Never get attached to anyone or anything. First lesson learnt that I thought I had down pat but in truth, I knew nothing about. That was when I realized, I will be alone for eternity. I can't open my heart and I can't accept what others have to offer.  
  
There is nothing for me. There is no meaning in life. When the bright flickerings that were once people's souls but are nothing more than fodder for my energy cry out for their lives, that they don't want to die, I say my favourite phrase that perhaps applies also to me.  
  
"Then you should never have been born."  
  
I wonder how your life would have been if that were true. You'll be happier, you'll be more alive than I have ever seen you. Too bad it's not true. Not everyone has the luck for their wishes to be granted. The only reason you wish to die by my hands is because I've affected you too much. I'm not going to say I'm sorry, but I'm not going to say I don't care. I'm going to say, I know why.  
  
Do I sound like I know everything? Man is fallible. Here, nothing is fair. The wicked and the unjust succeed when the pure of heart fail. You can't change the nature of the beast nor should you try.  
  
I guess the reason you love me or the reason you used to love me will forever remain a mystery. And I'll take my thoughts to my grave for no one will ever know the weakness of Seishirou Sakurazuka, destroyer of what everyone should treasure. Their feelings.  
  
11th November  
  
He sealed the letter, it was never intended for anyone to read. It would simply be too horrified. Horrified that a person so cold and heartless actually had a heart. Seishirou smiled, and flicked his lighter, bringing it to the letter. He had no idea what he had written, the words were too jumbled out, his feelings had poured forth in no particular order, even repeating themselves. He had only known that he had tried to explain, to explain away the feelings he had for Subaru. After all, it was a letter that was mainly addressed to Subaru.  
  
As he watched the words consumed by the fiery flames, he knew that at last he could bury the past and move on, perhaps one day he would know the true meaning of the word "Feel". Only then would he return to Subaru, only then would he be able to do justice to the love the other man had for him.  
  
With that, Seishirou simply faded into the night, the only trace that he had ever been there at all was a pile of ash, which was soon scattered by the caresses of the wind.  
  
-end-  
  
Note: I guess this is just musings of Seishirou. Nothing more. Sorry for this seems to mirror my earlier confession story. I just felt like I had to write something. 


End file.
